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[b]CliffsNotes for Hopeless Lovers, or I Went Through an Entire Bottle of Lotion Last Week[/b]

Someone told me women liked analogies
I thought they said something else
A slap in the face when I asked my date
The only person I'm screwing is myself

Goddamn, why is this shit so awkward?
Is there some kind of manual I missed?
Maybe it was stolen in the nursery
As revenge for the blankets I pissed

I never learned how to read minds
It sure would be useful when I spend time
With you, sitting by my side
Do I make a move or stand idly by?

Goddamn, why is this shit so awkward?
Is there some kind of manual I missed?
Maybe it's cause of my upbringing
I never learned how to act like a prick

Is that what I should be?
A jerk, an asshole, I'm inclined to agree
Because being nice, has this way
Of making everyone suspect that you're gay

Goddamn why is this shit so awkward
Is there some kind of manual that I missed?
That would explain the position I'm in
And why I have carpel tunnel in my wrist

It's not that I don't like you
It's just I don't always have a smile prepared
Sometimes I am lost in thought
Or sometimes you catch me unaware

But how do I make that clear to you
I mean, that's kind of a weird thing to have to explain
One day I'll have the courage to speak up
But until then I guess I'll just wallow in my pain

Maybe one day, years from now
I'll see you on the subway and we'll talk things out
We'll go out for a cup of coffee
And find you're married with a family of three

Oh.

Goddamn why is this shit so awkward
Is there some kind of manual that I missed?
Maybe some day I'll find it beneath a tree
And I'll finally learn what's wrong with me

Until then I'll just do what I can
A bucket of lotion, and my right hand
Wish you were here, thinking thoughts of you
Hey, that's pretty creepy, but you know what it's true

Oh my god, did I say that out loud?
I was just kidding really but really you should be proud.
You're so beautiful it makes me want to cry
When I see you with someone else it makes me wanna... die.